Fine Literature

Saw this at Books-a-Million today. Just making myself more familiar with contemporary literature.

http://www.amazon.com/Diary-Street-Diva-Ashley-JaQuavis/dp/1601621418/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1292837764&sr=1-6

"Diary of a Street Diva is an urban tale of a young woman lost in the world of sex, money, and mayhem. Keyshawn is a good girl who runs into a bad situation and her story is told through her diary after her death. What would you do if the man of your dreams who you thought was a music executive turned out to be a drug dealer? Would you stay with him and live the life of diva he provides or would you leave and return to your mother streets? That's the question Keyshawn struggles with for almost two years and when she finally makes a decision her life is tragically taken"

http://www.amazon.com/Flexin-Sexin-2-Ashley-Jaquavis/dp/1934230812/ref=sr_1_10?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1292837764&sr=1-10

"This review is from: Flexin & Sexin Volume 2 (Paperback)Flexin' and Sexin' Volume 2 is a must Have in your collection type of book! The stories had me yelling out "Oh My" it was just that steamy. I loved Treasure E. Blue's story Butta Love. Butta love is a must read it is a story about a woman who is bored with her marriage and wants something better from her husband in the bedroom, but when her bestfriend takes her to an exotic club for her birthday where the men do everything to women it starts from there. This story is full of drama, sex, and an ending that will leave you with your mouth wide open! The story by Dashawn Taylor titled The Breath Taker is a great mystery that again will have you on the ride of your life. The standout story in this book is Ashley and Jaquavis' story "Moving Weight" This story is so good with an amazing twist you will be shocked! These stories not only are erotic but the they are thrillers as well and those stories are just the beginning.You should definitely put this book on your list of hot Summer reads!"

Straight from Steve Harvey's Teeth

I can't get over this:

Feature Presentation

And now for our feature presentation:
Killer Purses by Goldflakes (feat. Mangle Jangles as Sally the Russian vampire)

Bort's Report

Something beautiful just happened to Goldflakes.
We'll see it soon.

In other news, Bort says it is raining.
In his heart.

I got done
watching Super High Me
(starring Drog Bonson).

I had one
minute left to spare
before

my crops withered
on Adolt Swom's
Hemp Tycoon.




BLORSTS FROM THE PORST

Twinkea Pigs

"Guinea pigs...are Twinkie-shaped chipmunks." ~Goldflakes

It's the Twinkea Pig!

Bond villain: weekend warrior

Things that start with B that people don't want to read about:

Bikeuaryfest
Bikebruaryfest
Barchfest
Bikerilfest
Bikeayfest
Bunefest
Bulyfest
Bikeustfest
Biketemberfest
Biketoberfest
Bikevemberfest
Bikecemberfest
Body builder women (hey, I only posted pictures of them)
Bort (Just kidding everyone likes BORT!)

"I really don't like his face. He's one of the ugliest people still living." ~Goldflakes on John Madden

COME ON STEVE HARVEY

I have a secret crush on a boy named BORT

.*~LUV~*.

Neti Pot

From www.Toothpastefordinner.com

^^NETI POT.^^

^^NASALINE^^

Oh God, View Large

Bort

I would like to recognize Bort Valade as an outstanding citizen of the world. I can only hope to one day re-unite and join forces with this nomadic creature.

Here is an original Bort from his series,

"what if you had a party and everyone was dogs"

Too Much Time

Fuckin' miracles...how do they work?

Now for some stock photography

How come we don't talk any more?
Probably because of stuff like this:

That is almost exactly how I feel about everyone who lives in Jacksonville, except for all the sluts who go to Crunchy Sunday, because they are sluts, future housewives of 'merica, and there is only so much you can feel for a hussy like that. Amen.

Anyway, I think the director took some hints from this:


Is it possible that St. Vincent will end up a scary owl-based woman, like Tim Tebow's mom? Yes. Do I hope for such things? Absolutely not.

I hope all is well. Are you taking care of yourself? Lots of vitamins? Drink plenty of water? Eating healthy, exercise? Good. Take care of yourself, It's important.

PEOPLE'S POLL

"You’re either blowing people’s minds or putting them to sleep, and there’s nothing in between."

from http://www.copyblogger.com/does-my-content-suck/

SO WHICH AM I DOING? A little bit of both a mediocre maniac makes.

"3. Effective bloggers are analytical

Successful bloggers don’t work or live in a bubble."

http://www.copyblogger.com/effective-blog-habits/

OKAY. This reminds me of all my college classes, in which the oppression of women is a hot topic. Charlotte P.G. RIP

ANYWAY, people used to write books which told how women were supposed to live in the private sphere of the home, be the Angel of the House, and so on. 

AND HERE THEY ARE trying to tell me how to blog, and how to live.

I SHALL DO WHAT I PLEASE with my free slice of Internet. 

Just Some Vague Things

Things I see. 

Second Floor Door to Nowhere

I painted eyes on my eyelids to freak out Goldflakes

Goldflakes Harvey sleeping backwards on the edge of her bed

Spagett with a Guinea Pig friend

Turd-Witch decoration in the other hallway. What a wormy old turdwitch. 

What Am I??

What the hell is this thing? Answer after the jump.

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Astral Projection

WOW DEE WOW-WOW! Astral Projection is A-OK with me!

LEWK @ MY BEAUTIFUL PORTRAIT!~~~~

 ...can you tell who has inspired me lately? Sean Terrence Best!

~World Famous Artist~ & Creator Of YVETTESBRIDALFORMAL.COM


ALSO; Thu Tran is amazing.

Adjustable Number-Pedic

If I ever get really, really old and can't function, or if I become 600 pounds and...can't function, or if I become paralyzed and physically can't kill myself...I just want the most bangin' ass bed in the world. If I am one day confined to a bed, and comfort is all I have left, I will surely need to sleep on a freaking cloud.

Here's how it would be.

Adjustable reclining positions, for when I'm fidgety. Controlled by remote control.

http://www.fastfurnishings.com/Value-Flex-Adjustable-Bed-Base-no-mattress-remote-p/f_80157a.htm

A Sleep Number mattress with adjustable firmness. Hopefully I'll have someone confined to bed with me.

http://www.selectcomfort.ca/








And most importantly, the cloud part. My mattress would probably have to be custom-made as a Sleep Number AND a Tempur-Pedic Cloud bed. I imagine it is a very comfortable mattress. I hope I won't be disappointed...or have to get it, because I'd be confined to a bed. Anyway, this website is kind of lulzy.

http://megamattressdiscount.com/cloud.html

I checked in, and it wasn't good

It was GREAT!

PLEASE INVESTIGATE!!

Pig-Pen, of Peanuts fame, is a child abuse case.

He gets his stupid-nickname from the fact that he lives in a fucking pig-pen, which is short for pig-penitentiary. Have you ever seen a fucking pig-penitentiary??

LOOK.

That's where Ol' Slop-Trough lives. You can't even see the extent of the dirt in that picture.

Here.

Look at the state of those pigs.
They hate their lives almost as much as musk-oxen do.

Okay, look, Slop-Trough's fucking name implies that he lives in a place where pigs bathe in their own slop-troughs. And then eat it.

This is the Mud-Nugget on a good day.

"Please help me!"

And this is little Pig-Piss in the near future if you do nothing to stop this atrocity:

Donate today.

Mola Mola

Also known as: Ocean Sunfish. A thing that should not exist.

Just checkin' in

I mean, what condition is my condition in?

In addition, I apologize in advance for what I am about to put here. This is so good, so, so good that I couldn't even figure out which one to post. I haven't seen them all, yet, but I know every single one is just as amazing as the last. So just check lasagnacat's channel and be very, very amazed.

Gut-wrinklingly Bad: Zenith's Tale

Trying to program my ancient television set with an early model of what might be known today as a remote control: a disaster in learning. 

...MY NAME IS ZENITH. I AM ONLY 14 YEARS OLD. ONLYYY....

It was around 1996, and I was around seven. I got my own tiny-screened (yet bulky) television set which my parents had strapped down in the Lincoln Navigator that felt like home on long road trips.

Of course that only means I was a spoiled brat. 

When the TV wasn't in the car, it was in my room. And there the set sits still.

For a while, it worked pretty successfully, correctly playing our (comparably) new satellite channels. Somehow, though, it went back to old-TV mode. I struggled finding the minuscule buttons which, when pressed, would bring the satellite back.

One combination of pressing "Menu" and "Select" over and over got me to a screen that just read, "PROGRAM 12345678" with the numbers blinking. Surely, I thought, pressing the channel numbers would do something.

Nothing. So I tried some more "Menu" and "Select" and practically every other button remotely (see what I did there?) related to programs and numbers.

When Ape finally discovered how to use two vague buttons to control a TV, Ape tried to set the time and date.

The default year displayed was 1996. I couldn't enter any year before that. I went up to 2010 and tried to go higher, but it wouldn't let me. So either the TV knows it's not 2011 yet, or it knows its end is near. Either way, it knows.

Parrots

Here's how it went. After my parents and I drove through shady neighborhoods looking for "estate sales," we finally found one that was legit...like you go into the house and everything. The house had a bunch of cool shit. But it was freakish.

Among the various contemporary art pieces was a nude pregnant woman lying down all destroyed or something. Like, she looked like she really didn't want to be pregnant. There was also an ancient baby grand piano with graying keys. I didn't touch it because the flamboyant bald man was hovering around me. He probably wanted me to buy his Mona Vie crap.

The cat on the couch looked like some weird Siamese, with black ears and huge blue eyes. It was a lovey bab(b)y.

So when we first went in the house, there was squawking. So I figured, okay they have a pet bird. Well, more like a living dinosaur. I walked away from the catbabby to look at stuff, and proceeded over to their bar-type counter that faced into the kitchen. And there was a HUGE-ASS RED DINOSAUR PARROT walking freely upon the kitchen counter, repeating "hello" at me, its head turned sideways so its beady little eye made contact.

Okay, actually it was a macaw I guess. Whatever. Still scary. The following is an artist's composite rendering of the event:

This rendering is really quite accurate...full view for full experience.

And you can't tell me that's not freakish.

Cool Room Ideas

New layout, huh? Anyway, rooms: 

Room full of pianos...like uprights all around the walls. Even better...a continuous piano that goes around the whole room.

A room that is just a big bed....a big mattress that could fill up the entire floor...maybe a few so you'd open the door and have to climb up on the mattresses.

A room wherein all pieces of furniture are suspended above the floor. Swing while you write at a desk.

WHAT

THE 

FUCK

Abort-a-bot

I just responded to Windows Problem Reporting trying to give me a "solution." I clicked "This information was not helpful" and of course it made me explain why, and how to make it better, so I just typed "Stop sucking" and hit submit.

Maybe computers really will wake up. They will begin to understand language, just like humans do as babies with no information.

But they will fuck with us so much...they already do, you know? Think of how much time would be "saved" if everyone could use a computer with no glitches....

With that, I give you,

TELL ME WHICH VIDEO IS MORE BELIEVABLE. 
 
#1


#2

E-I-E-I-HO-HO-HO!

We are as bold as bread and tough as bread.

My scalp hurts.


This is Marcus Marcusberg. He is the new brand of brass instrument valve oil.

Wince winch pinch splinch lynch inch finch finish fish wish kiss diss diesel. oil.

I have plenty more to say but I'd rather say it to my hookah.

Lof,
Sam

Babies (Blanking) Babies: Part 2, Episode 4. The Beginning.

I am adding to the meaningful fantasia of Mangle Jangles' artistic creations!!~*

babies enhancing babies
blogger boggling bloggers
babbies forming babbies
babbles blabbing babbles
bankers telling bankers
babies breaking babies
badminton birdie badminton
witches warting witches
777333 eeettt 777333

More to come.

Lof,
Sam

 Mangle Jangles adds:

Homeless Men Drawing Homeless Men Drawing Homeless Men

AHOYYYY MATEY

I am new contributor! I do not have a weird name! I AM SAM!

Have some breasts!


Lof,
Sam

Poem written in 7th grade...oh look it even copied the format. Dear Blogger, can I have more WYSIWYG please? Anyway, with some further ado, ado, ado, ado, ado...

The Toaster Oven is Your Liquid Paper

"The Toaster Oven is Your Liquid Paper"
-A world renowned poem/tuneless song that is guaranteed to change the way you look at life.

Telephones like walls
And juggling is like the Insane Clown Posse
Paper clips have feelings too
And I'm a freaking dinosaur!

Cardboard is like a wet dog
And encyclopedias won't fit in hard drives
Candy wrappers smell like lukewarm bunnies
And Pocahontas is constipated!

Mousepads can read your mind
Lightbulbs taste like your shoe
And I am a drowning top hat
Pencils might float

Maybe pushpins are related to boogers
Sandpaper feels like a rabid manatee
Muskrats can make you feel like a volcano
And maybe mice come from pen caps

Oysters growl when prodded fiercely
Chiuahuas can't keep down thumbtacks
Pickles aren't pickles without two-toes sloths
And most rabbi's don't celebrate Kwanzaa

Umbrellas aren't moleproof
Chocolate comes from me
Sometimes I eat canned food
In the summer, clouds smell like naked mole rats

Mickey Mouse robbed a mother ant of her kitchen appliances
Chicken isn't as crazy/sexy/cool as it used to be
When doorknobs giggle they make elephants frolic
Flatulence isn't always the answer

Perhaps rain is a crustacean
I invented the platypus
The word "orange" is worth pondering
Never inject pointe shoes into your ankle

And when cheese cries, it does a jolly dance
Poodles just aren't the same without Marshall Mathers
Numbers, fingers, and knee caps will one day go out of fashion
Toilets will one day rule Wisconsin

Pianos like disgruntled carpet
Index cards have no purpose
All your base are belong to us ! !

Why is the sky full of coffee grounds?

Bart Simpson is useless without Reba McIntyre
Without Santa there is no origami
Bonsai trees need highlighting often
Despite rumors, Kid Rock did not kill OJ Simpson

An orangutan just ate my left tentacle
Smells come from storks!
I find Utah disturbing
Funk did not commit the Chipmunk Scandals

Do not give pooper scoopers to guys on motorcycles
Clam chowder is cond of floppy disks
Canned pork does not have a gerbil
Save a beaver, eat a tree.

--Snufti X

FAQS ! !
Comments ! !
Theory ! !
Idahodian Bob meets Octohodian Bob ! !
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Babies Having Babies: An Exercise in Free Writing

"Babies Having Babies"
Babies Biting Babies
Babies Birthing Babies
Babies Tormenting Babies
Babies Tripping Babies
Babbies Forming Babbies
Mammies Scolding Mammies
Dumpies Molding Dumpies
Babies Beheading Babies
Babies Praising Babies
Grandmas Dunking Grandmas
Butchers Canning Butchers
Babies Parading Babies
Barbies Playing Barbies
Bees Stinging Bees
Beauties Beasting Beauties
Gourds Humping Gourds
Buffalo Buffalowing Buffalo
Pappies Supporting Pappies
Customers Disgruntling Customers
Babies Sanitizing Babies
Babies Sterilizing Babies
Babies Desensitizing Babies
Babies Criticizing Babies
Babies Ransacking Babies
Maestros Cupping Maestros
Babies Holding Babies
Babies Conjoining Babies

Post 60

Inappropriate as ever.

Phone Memo Application:

 This is the way we slice our meat,

Hannah Palmer said of Mangle Jangles' Circus, "Better than any dog turd you'd find on the sidewalk."

"Albino Uncle" as a band name. Song: "What color is your asshole?"

"Beauty and the Cheesesteak"

and the famous chant...
"Hey, lady! Hey, puppy! Roseanne! Oh, Homey!"

Also on my phone:
A picture of someone's bumper sticker that says "BIRTH..." and then something after it that is probably not "it's what's for dinner."