Computers are Made of Magic

Tall Tales

Abraham Lincoln was a giant president. He had a big blue ox named Babe. It was a musk ox. Like all musk oxen, Babe hated her life.

~CREAMY HORNS~

 

  

It is a well-known fact that Abraham Lincoln had to live in a very tiny house, made of Lincoln Logs, his namesake. Lincoln was in fact enslaved by his step-father, Mohammad Lincoln, founder of Lincoln Logs Co. 

~TO BE CONTINUED~

Mantis Mantits

 Once I played the "Helen Keller" card with the "Touchy-Feely" adjective in a game of Apples to Apples.

 The elusive Helen Keller goes by many names. 

HELLEN KELER. HELEN KELLLER. ELLEN DEGENERES. ELLEN DEGENITALS. ELLEN DEGENERATE 

 (sarcastic) HELEN KELLER QUOTES: 

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. Well, I can look at a door forever, but I'm never going to see anything."

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. Not much can be done without sight and hearing, either.”

“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. I wouldn't know the difference.” 

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you will never see the shadow. Go on, stare directly into the sun.”

 

Apocalyspe

 This is clearly a black woman in whiteface. Band name: Mammies in Whiteface. Sorry.


SURVIVING AN ATTACK:


After the initial attack, fallout can linger for months. Fortunately, it only takes 5 inches of steel, 16 inches of brick, 2 feet of packed earth, or 3 feet of water to protect against radioactive fallout.
Love,
buzzfeed.com

Remember ready.gov when it had these pictures?

Harvest of Hope

Somebody just threw a bra onstage.

Wow

Isabella Rossellini's Green Porno: Brilliant

Gynaecocracy

The Fortune-Teller

By Thomas Moore

Down in the valley come meet me to-night,
And I'll tell you your fortune truly
As ever 'twas told, by the new-moon's light,
To a young maiden, shining as newly.

But, for the world, let no one be nigh,
Lest haply the stars should deceive me,
Such secrets between you and me and the sky
Should never go farther, believe me.

If at that hour the heavens be not dim,
My science shall call up before you
A male apparition -- the image of him
Whose destiny 'tis to adore you.

And if to that phantom you'll be kind,
So fondly around you he'll hover,
You'll hardly, my dear, any difference find
'Twixt him and a true living lover.

Down at your feet, in the pale moonlight,
He'll kneel, with a warmth of devotion --
An ardour, of which such an innocent sprite
You'd scarcely believe had a notion.

What other thoughts and events may arise,
As in destiny's book I've not seen them,
Must only be left to the stars and your eyes
To settle, ere morning, between them. 

NOW. Was Jesus Circumcised? 

YES, Because he was a Jew. 

WHY? Because the Bible SAYS SO. God basically says, "Circumcise your 8-day-old babies and those of your slaves to make a covenant with me." 

Here's the source: Here's the Source.

Here's what "covenant" means in the Bible: 

cov·e·nant [kúvvənənt]
n (plural cov·e·nants)
1.  solemn agreement: a solemn agreement that is binding on all parties  

4.  bible mutual promises of God and Israelites: in the Bible, the promises that were made between God and the Israelites, who agreed to worship no other gods 
~Encarta ® World English Dictionary

GOD BRIBES HIS PEOPLE. 

God bribes his people 

with promises of land 

in exchange for 

full-time monotheistic worship

and the forfeiting of their foreskins.

Sir Thomas Moore has felt the death

That one day will come upon me,

And on that day with my last breath, 

I will recite a song of thee.

Poachers in the Hundred Acre Wood

Charlie Brown is the sole Peanuts character to unconditionally accept "Pig-Pen" for who he is, even defending "Pig-Pen's" uncleanliness in one strip...

Love, Wikipedia

I love that there is a whole character based on the classic stinky friend.

Who is your stinky friend?

Alternative Names for "Pig-Pen" (from Peanuts):

"Mud-Pie"

"Slop-Trough"

"Filthy-Piece-of-Shit"

That Music Sounds Like a Miscarriage

Long-distance relationships maintained via webcam are like Tamagotchis.

James Joyce's love letters to Nora Barnacle have left whatever page I had bookmarked and I am sad. For when I wanted to reference Joyce sniffing Barnacle's arse smells, I had no direct quotes.

http://www.bmezine.com/news/people/A10101/addsub/ I want this to be real.

CRACKLE CRACKLE!

Speaking of things I want to be real, LLAMAWORM. The word VAGENTA.

Steven Stoll says that Chinese women had their feet bound so they wouldn't run off and cheat on their husbands. Let's see if this is true or false.

Unblogglably Bad

Q. Elizabeth

A. Young Hottie

(Not so much.)

Here's our favorite friend, the "Smart Thinker".







POOR QUALITY BLOG

Let's make this better.



What a beautiful person, who is very cool and sings very well.

wtf? awesome.





If there is Minimalist art, can there be Maximalist art? I guess that's what I'd call my collage.

Remind me that I want a combination funeral involving the practices of the ten religions most likely to send me to a cool place. Is there an opposite of baptism? Or a death counterpart to baptism? Like you go your whole life not believing in anything but when it comes time to die, you convert to a bunch of religions (despite their contradictions) and go through the death rites. This is called increasing your chances of vacation in the event of an apocalypse.

Hail, O ye who give cakes and ale to 

perfect souls in the House of

  Osiris, give ye cakes and ale twice 

each day (in the morning and in

  the evening) to the soul of the 

Osiris Ani, whose word is true

  before the gods, the Lords of Abydos, 

and whose word is true with you.