Poem written in 7th grade...oh look it even copied the format. Dear Blogger, can I have more WYSIWYG please? Anyway, with some further ado, ado, ado, ado, ado...

The Toaster Oven is Your Liquid Paper

"The Toaster Oven is Your Liquid Paper"
-A world renowned poem/tuneless song that is guaranteed to change the way you look at life.

Telephones like walls
And juggling is like the Insane Clown Posse
Paper clips have feelings too
And I'm a freaking dinosaur!

Cardboard is like a wet dog
And encyclopedias won't fit in hard drives
Candy wrappers smell like lukewarm bunnies
And Pocahontas is constipated!

Mousepads can read your mind
Lightbulbs taste like your shoe
And I am a drowning top hat
Pencils might float

Maybe pushpins are related to boogers
Sandpaper feels like a rabid manatee
Muskrats can make you feel like a volcano
And maybe mice come from pen caps

Oysters growl when prodded fiercely
Chiuahuas can't keep down thumbtacks
Pickles aren't pickles without two-toes sloths
And most rabbi's don't celebrate Kwanzaa

Umbrellas aren't moleproof
Chocolate comes from me
Sometimes I eat canned food
In the summer, clouds smell like naked mole rats

Mickey Mouse robbed a mother ant of her kitchen appliances
Chicken isn't as crazy/sexy/cool as it used to be
When doorknobs giggle they make elephants frolic
Flatulence isn't always the answer

Perhaps rain is a crustacean
I invented the platypus
The word "orange" is worth pondering
Never inject pointe shoes into your ankle

And when cheese cries, it does a jolly dance
Poodles just aren't the same without Marshall Mathers
Numbers, fingers, and knee caps will one day go out of fashion
Toilets will one day rule Wisconsin

Pianos like disgruntled carpet
Index cards have no purpose
All your base are belong to us ! !

Why is the sky full of coffee grounds?

Bart Simpson is useless without Reba McIntyre
Without Santa there is no origami
Bonsai trees need highlighting often
Despite rumors, Kid Rock did not kill OJ Simpson

An orangutan just ate my left tentacle
Smells come from storks!
I find Utah disturbing
Funk did not commit the Chipmunk Scandals

Do not give pooper scoopers to guys on motorcycles
Clam chowder is cond of floppy disks
Canned pork does not have a gerbil
Save a beaver, eat a tree.

--Snufti X

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Gynaecocracy

The Fortune-Teller

By Thomas Moore

Down in the valley come meet me to-night,
And I'll tell you your fortune truly
As ever 'twas told, by the new-moon's light,
To a young maiden, shining as newly.

But, for the world, let no one be nigh,
Lest haply the stars should deceive me,
Such secrets between you and me and the sky
Should never go farther, believe me.

If at that hour the heavens be not dim,
My science shall call up before you
A male apparition -- the image of him
Whose destiny 'tis to adore you.

And if to that phantom you'll be kind,
So fondly around you he'll hover,
You'll hardly, my dear, any difference find
'Twixt him and a true living lover.

Down at your feet, in the pale moonlight,
He'll kneel, with a warmth of devotion --
An ardour, of which such an innocent sprite
You'd scarcely believe had a notion.

What other thoughts and events may arise,
As in destiny's book I've not seen them,
Must only be left to the stars and your eyes
To settle, ere morning, between them. 

NOW. Was Jesus Circumcised? 

YES, Because he was a Jew. 

WHY? Because the Bible SAYS SO. God basically says, "Circumcise your 8-day-old babies and those of your slaves to make a covenant with me." 

Here's the source: Here's the Source.

Here's what "covenant" means in the Bible: 

cov·e·nant [kúvvənənt]
n (plural cov·e·nants)
1.  solemn agreement: a solemn agreement that is binding on all parties  

4.  bible mutual promises of God and Israelites: in the Bible, the promises that were made between God and the Israelites, who agreed to worship no other gods 
~Encarta ® World English Dictionary

GOD BRIBES HIS PEOPLE. 

God bribes his people 

with promises of land 

in exchange for 

full-time monotheistic worship

and the forfeiting of their foreskins.

Sir Thomas Moore has felt the death

That one day will come upon me,

And on that day with my last breath, 

I will recite a song of thee.